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Does
domestic violence happen in lesbian relationships? |
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Is
my relationship abusive?
 Emotional
abuse
Physical
abuse
Sexual
abuse
Social
abuse
Financial
abuse
Stalking
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What
about the things I hear? — myths and facts:
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Personal
stories |
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Does domestic violence happen
in lesbian relationships? |
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Yes, domestic violence can
happen in any relationship.
To date, there is no reliable data
that records the true incidence of domestic violence in lesbian
relationships in Australia. However, studies that have been
done confirm that it does happen, that the incidence of domestic
violence in lesbian and lesbian relationships is about the
same as it is in heterosexual relationships and that once
the violence starts, it is likely to get worse.
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Is my relationship abusive? |
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If you are experiencing violence
or abuse in your relationship or something is happening that
doesn’t feel right, you might be experiencing domestic
violence. Remember that domestic violence can take many forms.
It can be emotional, social or financial as well as physical
or sexual.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Emotional
abuse
Does your partner
do things that make you feel afraid or bad about yourself?
For example, has your partner:
- threatened to hurt you, themselves
or your pets if you leave?
- told you over and over that you
are not good enough or that
you are crazy, ugly or stupid or incompetent?
- humiliated you in front of your
friends, family or colleagues?
‘outed’ you, or threatened to ‘out’
you to family, friends or
an employer without your consent?
- told someone, or threatened to
tell someone, about your health
status when you didn’t want them too?
If you answered yes to any of these,
or you have experienced something similar, then you may have
experienced emotional abuse.
Physical
abuse
Has your partner
hurt you physically in any way?
For example, has your partner:
- hit, punched, slapped, pushed,
bit, kicked or tried to strangle you?
- broken any bones or burnt you or
used weapons against you?
- broken your things or hurt your
pets?
- withheld your medication or stopped
you from getting
your treatment?
If you answered yes to any of these,
or you have experienced something similar, then you may have
experienced physical abuse.
Sexual
abuse
Has your partner
forced you to do anything sexually that you don’t want
to do?
For example, has your partner:
- forced you to have sex when you
don’t want to?
- made you take part in some other
sexual activity that you didn’t
want to take part in?
- made you have sex with other people
when you didn’t want to?
- involved you in S&M without
your consent?
If you answered yes to any of these,
or you have experienced something similar, then you may have
experienced sexual abuse.
Social
abuse
Does your partner stop you from seeing your
family or friends or from taking part in any activity outside
the home?
For example, has your partner:
- stopped you from
visiting your family or friends?
- abused your family or friends if they
come to visit you?
locked you inside the house?
- monitored your phone calls or the phone
bills, or even had the
phone disconnected?
- alienated you from your cultural
background or religious beliefs
or stopped you from praying or worshipping?
If you answered yes to any of these,
or you have experienced something similar, then you may have
experienced social abuse.
Financial
abuse
Does your partner control all your money
against your will?
For example, has your partner:
- taken all your money or taken control
your income?
- refused to give you any money or made
you account for every
dollar you spend?
- threatened to withdraw financial
support if you don’t do
what they want you to do?
If you answered yes to any of these,
or you have experienced something similar, then you may have
experienced financial abuse.
Stalking
Is your partner or ex-partner stalking
you? For example, has you partner or ex-partner:
For example, has your partner:
- followed you home or to work or when
you go out?
- watched you or loitered around your
house, your work or
- any place that you go to socialise or
for leisure?
If you answered yes to any of these, or
you have experienced something similar, then this person
may be stalking you.
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But what about the things
I hear? — myths and facts |
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There are many myths surrounding
domestic violence. Sometimes, a lot of people hold particular
views and make judgments without having any personal experience
or real understanding of the situation or the issues. Sometimes
these views and judgments can make it difficult for other
people to get access to the services and help they need and
to which they have a legal right.
Some myths are common among many lesbian men while others
may be more common among the broader community. Either way,
myths are not useful and it is always necessary to challenge
them when possible. Knowing the facts is a useful way to start.
So is exploring the impact the myth has on the safety of people
experiencing domestic violence. Myths can tend to excuse the
abuse or ‘blame the victim’. They also tend to
minimise the impact the behaviour has on the person experiencing
the abuse.
Here are some common myths that can stop people from getting
the help they need.
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Women are not violent. |
| Fact: |
Research into domestic violence in lesbian relationships
has found that women have perpetrated physical, sexual,
emotional, social and/or financial abuse against their
partners. Women can commit domestic violence.
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Violence in lesbian & gay relationships
is a mutual fight or a fight between equals. |
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Domestic violence is a violent situation
where one person is clearly a victim. It occurs when
one person uses violence or abuse to get and maintain
control of their partner and it is an abuse of power
by that person over the other.
This myth falsely assumes that both parties are ready
and willing to be violent with each other and cannot
account for the forms of domestic violence that do not
involve physical abuse, for example emotional or social
abuse.
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The drugs make her violent. She is
only violent when she is on drugs. |
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Alcohol and drug use may be present
when domestic violence occurs. For alcohol and most
other drugs, however, there is little evidence to suggest
that the use of the drug has caused the violence.
There
is some debate about the impact of amphetamine and
methamphetamine drugs on some users and some women
have reported that their partner is only violent towards
them when they take these drugs. Some researchers have
suggested that use of methamphetamines may cause some
people to become violent and/or aggressive.
If your partner
is only violence when she is on drugs this may or may
not constitute domestic violence. Chances
are that if she is only violent when on drugs, is violent
to other people as well as you, the incidents are infrequent
and he doesn’t exhibit any other forms of control
over you (eg financial or emotional abuse) then this
isn’t domestic violence. It is, however a problem
and you should seek help.
However, if your partner knows
she may, or will, become violent towards you when she
uses these drugs and he
still choose to take them, then this indicates a degree
of control and possibly intent. It may also be useful
for you to note whether your partner is violent towards
everyone when she uses these drugs or does she only
take his aggression out on you. This is often the most
telling
way to find out if someone is really ‘out of
control’ because
of the drugs or if they are perpetrating deliberate
violence towards you, using their drug use as an excuse.
Please
be careful: If your partner was violent towards
you before she started using methamphetamines and
she is now taking these drugs, this is potentially
a very
dangerous situation for you. You do not have to put
up with the violence or the drug use and getting
help now
could be a very important decision.
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The law can’t help me. |
| Fact: |
The law can help. Many forms of domestic
violence are against the law. If you are experiencing
physical or sexual violence, threats, harassment or stalking,
you can call the Police. You can also apply for an apprehended
violence order (AVO). AVOs are available to anyone who
is in fear of violence. This includes lesbians, gay men,
bisexual, transgender and straight people. |
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| Myth: |
Service providers are homophobic. They
won’t understand what it’s like to be a lesbian
or bisexual or transgender. |
| Fact: |
If you are worried about being discriminated
against by a service provider, contact a gay and lesbian
or transgender specific service and ask them to refer
you to services that are informed about gay, lesbian,
bisexual and transgender domestic violence issues. Some
mainstream services now provide specific contact points
for gay men, lesbians and transgender people. For example,
in NSW Police, you could talk to a Police Gay and Lesbian
Liaison Officer. There are also Domestic Violence Liaison
Officers in NSW Police who may be working closely with
the Police GLLO’s. For legal help, you could contact
the Inner City Legal Centre’s statewide Gay and
Lesbian Legal Service.
It is against the law for any provider of services
to discriminate against you because you are gay or lesbian
or transgender. If you do not get the service you should,
you can make a complaint. Complaint details for different
services are on page (XX)
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| Myth: |
I won’t be able to meet any other
lesbians. |
| Fact: |
Some people worry that if they leave
the person they are with, they won’t know how to
meet anyone else and they will end up isolated and alone.
But you do not have to put up with domestic violence and
you can meet other people. There are many community groups
that you can get involved with that can help you to make
connections with other lesbians, so you won’t feel
so isolated. |
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| Myth: |
If I get help from a service provider,
everyone will find out. |
| Fact: |
Services that respond to domestic
violence are bound by confidentiality agreements. They
must not disclose your information unless they are legally
required to do so. If anyone discloses your personal
information inappropriately, you can make a complaint
about this person to the service they work for. You can
get confidential help if you are experiencing domestic
violence. |
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| Myth: |
Bondage and Discipline or Sadomasochism
(BDSM) is about power and control. That means the submissive
partner is being abused. |
| Fact: |
BDSM is a term used to describe sexual
scenes that involve the interplay of pain and pleasure,
dominance and submission. This does not mean that BDSM
is domestic violence. BDSM is about mutual consent and
enjoyment.
BDSM is a negotiated activity. Intimate partners may
involve hitting, slapping, real pain, coercion, or
dominance into a scene. This is with the agreement
of all involved. Some people may adopt long term roles
of SM exploration, being involved in full-time submissive
or dominate relationships. These are conscious and
consensual activities where the roles and limits of
each individual are clearly defined. In a BDSM relationship
each participant will be involved in determining the
time or place a scene may occur.
As long both partners give their consent for the roles
they are playing BDSM is not domestic violence. If
one partner withdraws their consent and is forced,
pressured or otherwise made to do things against their
will this can then be defined as domestic violence
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Personal stories |
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Rachael’s story
I’d been with my partner for about two years. At
first, it was great. We got on really well and had lots of
fun. Then it started to change. Slowly at first, she would
say nasty things to me — like telling me I was ugly
and stupid or my clothes weren’t good enough. On a
few occasions, she pushed me and hit me. Once she pushed
me down the back steps.
I kept thinking we should be able to work it out. But if
I tried to talk about the violence, she just got angry and
said it was my fault. If I told her I wanted to leave, she
would threaten to kill herself or to hurt our pets. I was
really worried that she would do it.
Eventually, a friend helped me. She was the only friend I
had left by then and
I don’t think she would have stayed around much longer. She put me in touch
with a counsellor who told me the violence wasn’t my fault. The counsellor
helped me to see that staying and putting up with the abuse wasn’t helping
my partner or me. Talking about it helped me to feel strong enough to leave and
take my pets with me. That was six months ago. She didn’t try to kill herself
and I’m rebuilding my life and healing.
If you have experienced something similar to this, you may have experienced domestic
violence. You do not have to put up with domestic violence – you can get
help!
Heather’s story
When I first met my Mum’s new girlfriend Karen I thought she great. She
seemed caring and used to buy mum presents all the time. I was really supportive
of their relationship at first.
It was after Karen moved in with us that I started to see how controlling she
was. Karen would get really jealous of the time mum spent with me. She made mum
accountable for her every action. She use to belittle mum a lot, saying she was
stupid. I let it slide for a while –it’s their business I thought.
Mum just started giving into Karen, she saw her friends less. When they fought
Karen used to say awful things to Mum for having once having been married to
a man.
Karen made a lot more money than Mum, a single parent. They had combined bank
accounts. We lived on an allowance which Karen always had the final word on.
I thought Mum was being used, after all this was her house we were living in.
When mum got a part-time job in the city it made Karen really nervous. They fought
a lot and eventually Karen moved out. Mum really fell apart; she was so isolated
by then. She got through the hardest part with support from a local women’s
health centre. Mum’s was able to become independent again.
If you have experienced something
similar to this, you may have experienced domestic violence.
You do not have to put
up with domestic violence – you can get help
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