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Does
domestic violence happen in gay relationships? |
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Is
my relationship abusive?
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What
about the things I hear? — myths and facts:
 Myth:
Violence in gay relationships is a mutual
fight or a fight between equals.
Myth:
The drugs make him violent. He is only
violent when he is on drugs.
Myth:
The law can’t help me.
Myth:
Service providers are homophobic. They
won’t understand what it’s like to be gay/bisexual/transgender.
Myth:
I won’t be able to meet any other
gay people
Myth:
If I get help from a service provider,
everyone will find out.
Myth: If
I get help from a service provider, everyone will find
out.
Myth: Bondage
and Discipline or Sadomasochism (BDSM) is about power and
control. That means the submissive partner is being abused.
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Personal
stories |
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Does domestic violence happen
in gay relationships? |
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Yes, domestic violence can
happen in any relationship.
To date, there is no reliable data
that records the true incidence of domestic violence in gay
relationships in Australia. However, studies that have been
done confirm that it does happen, that the incidence of domestic
violence in gay and lesbian relationships is about the same
as it is in heterosexual relationships and that once the violence
starts, it is likely to get worse.
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Is my relationship abusive? |
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If you are experiencing violence
or abuse in your relationship or something is happening that
doesn’t feel right, you might be experiencing domestic
violence. Remember that domestic violence can take many forms.
It can be emotional, social or financial as well as physical
or sexual.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Emotional
abuse
Does your partner
do things that make you feel afraid or bad about yourself?
For example, has your partner:
- threatened to hurt you, themselves
or your pets if you leave?
- told you over and over that you
are not good enough or that
you are crazy, ugly or stupid or incompetent?
- humiliated you in front of your
friends, family or colleagues?
‘outed’ you, or threatened to ‘out’
you to family, friends or
an employer without your consent?
- told someone, or threatened to
tell someone, about your health
status when you didn’t want them too?
If you answered yes to any of these,
or you have experienced something similar, then you may have
experienced emotional abuse.
Physical
abuse
Has your partner
hurt you physically in any way?
For example, has your partner:
- hit, punched, slapped, pushed,
bit, kicked or tried to strangle you?
- broken any bones or burnt you or
used weapons against you?
- broken your things or hurt your
pets?
- withheld your medication or stopped
you from getting
your treatment?
If you answered yes to any of these,
or you have experienced something similar, then you may have
experienced physical abuse.
Sexual
abuse
Has your partner
forced you to do anything sexually that you don’t want
to do?
For example, has your partner:
- forced you to have sex when you
don’t want to?
- made you take part in some other
sexual activity that you didn’t
want to take part in?
- made you have sex with other people
when you didn’t want to?
- involved you in S&M without
your consent?
If you answered yes to any of these,
or you have experienced something similar, then you may have
experienced sexual abuse.
Social
abuse
Does your partner stop you from seeing your
family or friends or from taking part in any activity outside
the home?
For example, has your partner:
- stopped you from
visiting your family or friends?
- abused your family or friends if they
come to visit you?
locked you inside the house?
- monitored your phone calls or the phone
bills, or even had the
phone disconnected?
- alienated you from events that are part of the gay,
lesbian, trangender community
- alienated you from your cultural
background or religious beliefs
or stopped you from praying or worshipping?
If you answered yes to any of these,
or you have experienced something similar, then you may have
experienced social abuse.
Financial
abuse
Does your partner control all your money
against your will?
For example, has your partner:
- taken all your money or taken control
your income?
- refused to give you any money or made
you account for every
dollar you spend?
- threatened to withdraw financial
support if you don’t do
what they want you to do?
If you answered yes to any of these,
or you have experienced something similar, then you may have
experienced financial abuse.
Stalking
Is your partner or ex-partner
stalking you? For example, has you partner or ex-partner:
For example, has your partner:
- followed you home or to work or when you go out?
- watched you or loitered around your house, your work
or
- any place that you go to socialise or for leisure?
If you answered yes to any of these, or you have experienced
something similar, then this person may be stalking you.
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But what about the things
I hear? — myths and facts |
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There are many myths surrounding
domestic violence. Sometimes, a lot of people hold particular
views and make judgments without having any personal experience
or real understanding of the situation or the issues. Sometimes
these views and judgments can make it difficult for other
people to get access to the services and help they need and
to which they have a legal right.
Some myths are common among many gay men while others may
be more common among the broader community. Either way, myths
are not useful and it is always necessary to challenge them
when possible. Knowing the facts is a useful way to start.
So is exploring the impact the myth has on the safety of people
experiencing domestic violence. Myths can tend to excuse the
abuse or ‘blame the victim’. They also tend to
minimise the impact the behaviour has on the person experiencing
the abuse.
Here are some common myths that can stop people from getting
the help they need.
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Violence in gay & lesbian relationships
is a mutual fight or a fight between equals |
| Fact: |
Domestic violence is a violent situation where one
person is clearly a victim. It occurs when one person
uses violence or abuse to get and maintain control of
their partner and it is an abuse of power by that person
over the other.
This myth falsely assumes that both parties are ready
and willing to be violent with each other and cannot
account for the forms of domestic violence that do not
involve physical abuse, for example emotional or social
abuse.
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The drugs make him violent. He is only
violent when he is on drugs. |
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Alcohol and drug use may be present
when domestic violence occurs. For alcohol and most
other drugs, however, there is little evidence to suggest
that the use of the drug has caused the violence.
There
is some debate about the impact of amphetamine and
methamphetamine drugs on some users and some men
have reported that their partner is only violent towards
them when they take these drugs. Some researchers have
suggested that use of methamphetamines may cause some
people to become violent and/or aggressive.
If your partner
is only violence when he is on drugs this may or may
not constitute domestic violence. Chances
are that if he is only violent when on drugs, is violent
to other people as well as you, the incidents are infrequent
and he doesn’t exhibit any other forms of control
over you (eg financial or emotional abuse) then this
isn’t domestic violence. It is, however a problem
and you should seek help.
However, if your partner knows
he may, or will, become violent towards you when he
uses these drugs and he still
choose to take them, then this indicates a degree of
control and possibly intent. It may also be useful
for you to note whether your partner is violent towards
everyone
when he uses these drugs or does he only take his aggression
out on you. This is often the most telling way to find
out if someone is really ‘out of control’ because
of the drugs or if they are perpetrating deliberate
violence towards you, using their drug use as an excuse.
Please
be careful: If your partner was violent towards
you before they started using methamphetamines and
they are now taking these drugs, this is potentially
a very
dangerous situation for you. You do not have to put
up with the violence or the drug use and getting
help now
could be a very important decision.
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The law can’t help me. |
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The law can help. Many forms of domestic
violence are against the law. If you are experiencing
physical or sexual violence, threats, harassment or stalking,
you can call the Police. You can also apply for an Apprehended
Violence Order (AVO). AVOs are available to anyone who
is in fear of violence. This includes lesbians, gay men,
bisexual, transgender and straight people. |
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Service providers are homophobic. They
won’t understand what it’s like to be gay/bisexual/transgender. |
| Fact: |
If you are worried about being discriminated
against by a service provider, contact a gay and lesbian
or transgender specific service and ask them to refer
you to services that are informed about gay, lesbian,
bisexual and transgender domestic violence issues. Some
mainstream services now provide specific contact points
for gay men, lesbians and transgender people. For example,
in NSW Police, you could talk to a Police Gay and Lesbian
Liaison Officer. There are also Domestic Violence Liaison
Officers in NSW Police who may be working closely with
the Police GLLO’s. For legal help, you could contact
the Inner City Legal Centre’s statewide Gay and
Lesbian Legal Service. |
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| Myth: |
I won’t be able to meet any other
gay people. |
| Fact: |
Some people worry that if they leave
the person they are with, they won’t know how to
meet anyone else and they will end up isolated and alone.
But you do not have to put up with domestic violence and
you can meet other people. There are many community groups
that you can get involved with that can help you to make
connections with other gay men or lesbians, so you won’t
feel so isolated. |
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| Myth: |
If I get help from a service provider,
everyone will find out. |
| Fact: |
Some people worry that if they leave
the person they are with, they won’t know how to
meet anyone else and they will end up isolated and alone.
But you do not have to put up with domestic violence
and you can meet other people. There are many community
groups that you can get involved with that can help you
to make connections with other gay men or lesbians, so
you won’t feel so isolated. |
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| Myth: |
Bondage and Discipline or Sadomasochism
(BDSM) is about power and control. That means the submissive
partner is being abused. |
| Fact: |
BDSM is a term used to describe sexual
scenes that involve the interplay of pain and pleasure,
dominance and submission. This does not mean that BDSM
is domestic violence. BDSM is about mutual consent and
enjoyment.
BDSM is a negotiated activity. Intimate partners may
involve hitting, slapping, real pain, coercion, or
dominance into a scene. This is with the agreement
of all involved. Some people may adopt long term roles
of SM exploration, being involved in full-time submissive
or dominate relationships. These are conscious and
consensual activities where the roles and limits of
each individual are clearly defined. In a BDSM relationship
each participant will be involved in determining the
time or place a scene may occur.
As long both partners give their consent for the roles
they are playing BDSM is not domestic violence. If
one partner withdraws their consent and is forced,
pressured or otherwise made to do things against their
will this can then be defined as domestic violence. |
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Personal stories |
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Malcolm’s story
It all started when I found out I
was HIV+. At first I didn’t think it was abuse. I thought
domestic violence was just something that some straight men
did to women. But it went on and on and kept getting worse.
At first, he would just yell at me and humiliate me. Then
he started to get physically violent, punching me and kicking
me. He would criticise me because I was sick and couldn’t
work and he’d threaten to leave me all the time. He
always said he would take the dog. I love that dog, I look
after him and he keeps me company when I’m at home alone
all day.
Eventually, I told my social worker.
She told me it was domestic violence and that domestic violence
does happen in gay relationships, about as much as in straight
relationships. It was such a relief to talk about it. I’m
not sure what I will do yet. It just feels good to know that
it’s not my fault and to know that there are things
I can do.
Damian’s story
At first, I denied it. I had ended
up in hospital with a few broken bones and lots of bruising.
The doctor referred me to the social worker because they were
worried about the injuries. But I didn’t want to say
that my partner had done this to me.
But when I ended up in hospital again,
I finally told them what had been happening. I’d been
with my partner for years. We called ourselves married. But
he’d been abusing me for years too. He hit me and he
assaulted me sexually and violently. He would do things like
burn me with cigarettes and yell at me and say awful things
to me. He took control of all our money too and he wouldn’t
let me see my family or my friends. Really, it was horrible.
I got so stressed and down, I felt really sick.
When I finally told people what was happening, they were able
to help me. I got an AVO [Apprehended Violence Order] and
people came to court with me and helped me to make the break.
I still miss him sometimes but now I have a new life without
violence.
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